


Only Love Can Last

by LadyMerlin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Experimental Threesome, Future Fic, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Teenage Drama, Virginity as a social construct, friendship sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 15:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12435351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMerlin/pseuds/LadyMerlin
Summary: Kenma has loved Kuroo for what feels like forever, but when Kuroo goes to university and discovers college girls it seems like their friendship is coming to an end.That doesn't mean Kenma can stop loving him, even when Kuroo breaks his heart every single day.





	Only Love Can Last

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this story involves sex between characters who are not in love - it is 100% consensual but not romantic and not even pre-romantic. Also, opinions expressed by characters (cough*Kuroo*cough) are not my own and I apologise in advance for Kuroo's BS.

It doesn’t get any easier after the first girlfriend.

Kuroo, who has always been attractive and charismatic and just weird enough to be unique, gets confident in his first year of university, where there’s no one to judge him or report back to his mother. He calls Kenma every Saturday to discuss his flavour of the week, raves about how hot they are and how sweet they taste, rants about how they smell when they hug and how soft their skin is on their necks, between their thighs, _everywhere_. Their names blend into each other and Kenma wonders when he’ll stop hoping that for once, _just once_ , Kuroo won’t get a date that week.

Kenma wonders if he’ll ever stop hoping, though it seems like a futile endeavour.

He doesn’t really wish loneliness on his best friend, doesn’t want to hear Kuroo sound despondent and miserable on the other side of the line. But he does wish that Kuroo would miss him as much as Kenma misses him back. Instead it sounds like Kuroo has slowly replaced him in every part of his life. After a while, Kuroo stops telling him about his latest meal and his least favourite lecture of the day, and about the stray cat he saw around the back of the humanities building. The day Kuroo tells him about a girl who played Rainbow Road with him (and _won_ ), Kenma hangs up and pretends there had been a line disruption. He texts Kuroo an apology, but Kuroo doesn’t call back, and that seems to be that.

Kenma wishes he knew how to excise the feelings of abandonment from his mind, wishes he knew how to breathe when the knowledge of Kuroo’s… activities had filled his lungs like a poison.

Months pass and the replacement is almost complete. Kenma doesn’t think it could possibly get worse, until one day he tunes back into a conversation to hear Kuroo say, “and y’know, I don’t do virgins, right, so I told her—”

“What do you mean you don’t do virgins?” Kenma asks, even though he has a sinking feeling in his gut that he already knows the answer to his own stupid question.

It’s possibly the first time Kenma has ever interrupted Kuroo, or even indicated that he’s listening, so Kuroo is silent for a split second. When he speaks, Kenma can hear his crackling grin and wishes he could touch the little snaggletooth that perfects Kuroo’s otherwise symmetrical smile. “It’s exactly what it sounds like, kitten. I don’t date virgins and I certainly don’t sleep with them. Too high maintenance, you know?”

Kenma doesn’t reply and Kuroo carries on his story even though Kenma isn’t listening. It’s probably a good thing that Kenma learned to cry quietly a long time ago, before he met Kuroo. He suffers through the story of Kuroo’s latest conquest and goes to sleep when the sun is still up, because his vision is swimming and there’s an ache where his heart sits heavy like a stone in his chest. He’s not sure why he’s so upset about this, but he thinks it’s because he’s always hoped that Kuroo would be his first everything – his first friend, his first boyfriend, just his _first_ in all ways _._ There is no one else he’d rather trust with his body and his well-being than his best friend.

But if it is a burden Kuroo doesn’t want to bear even for pretty college girls, then Kenma, who is antisocial and about as approachable as a wet cat, has no hope. No one would ever want him and he’d be alone forever, in a self-perpetuating cycle of loneliness and inexperience. It is hours before he falls asleep, curled up in a little ball with his pillow over his head, but when he wakes, he has come to the conclusion that even though his virginity is an obstacle, it’s not an insurmountable one. After all, people _much_ more unattractive than him have managed to be rid of their own virginities. There have to be ways around it.

Maybe if Kenma tries it, sex that is, he’ll relate more to Kuroo. Maybe he’ll become less desperate and enamoured. Maybe things will change for the better. He hopes. 

Unfortunately his mental engine stalls there, drained from the misery of his situation. It remains stalled until Nekoma’s next practice match against Karasuno a few weeks later, where he meets Hinata. Hinata is a year younger than him and almost a polar opposite in terms of energy and enthusiasm, but there has always been something there that made Hinata text him three times a day, and Kenma text him back. Kenma didn’t like texting, and he didn’t like people (in general), so it was almost unprecedented how much he’d taken to the younger boy.

For a while, he’d thought (hoped) that Kuroo might be jealous of how Kenma let Hinata climb all over him and hug him and pet his hair as if he was a cat, but after the first few double-takes Kuroo had just shrugged and let it go, and Kenma had realised how unfair he was being. He liked Hinata because he was exuberant, but never demanded anything from Kenma, kind of like Kuroo. Hinata was funny and energetic and often too noisy, unlike Kuroo, but he let Kenma be quiet and didn’t even blink when Kenma once turned up in a skirt. He just accepted Kenma for who he was, seemed to _like_ who Kenma was, and didn’t ask him to change. Even Kuroo had wished that Kenma would be a little bit more social, once in a while.

Kenma had never let on how much it had hurt him, to know that spending time with Kenma alone wasn’t enough for Kuroo, but after a couple of truly disastrous parties, Kuroo had stopped asking, and that had been that.

Kenma wasn’t even a starter or a regular for the practice match, but he’d attended because he was more experienced and certainly calmer than Inuoka, the captain apparent, and the team needed all the help they could get. Hinata, co-captain for Karasuno, had broken any hints of tension by vaulting over the side-lines and climbing all over Kenma. Kenma had put aside his PSP and allowed Hinata to shout into his ear about someone _else_ vomiting on the bus, a welcome change.

Their respective coaches and most of the juniors who had never played against the intimidatingly-famous Karasuno all relaxed, and Kenma wondered if Hinata’s superpower was to break awkward situations.

Hinata, as a second year, was still playing, and his freak quick was – if possible – even freakier than it had originally been. Kenma takes a video and sends it to Kuroo, who sends back an entire line of exclamation marks. It’s the first time they’ve spoken in a week.

When they break for lunch, Kageyama herds Hinata around with a finger hooked into the back of his collar and Kenma thinks he’s the only one who looks past the loud objections to see the flush spreading all the way down Hinata’s back.

“So are you dating Kageyama?” he asks that evening, when he and Hinata are sitting on a park bench and watching a cat eat some garbage. Hinata chokes on a gulp of milk and Kenma has to whack him hard on the back a couple of times until milk stops dripping out of his nose. A small wiggle of fondness unfurls in Kenma’s chest. “Gross,” he says, though he’s not sure if he’s saying it to Hinata or himself.

“ _How did you know?!”_ Hinata exclaims and Kenma can practically see Hinata’s feathers fluffing up in shock. There’s no fear there. Hinata expects to be accepted as easily as he accepts everyone else. It’s the least Kenma can do not to react.

“You’re not that obvious, if that’s what you mean. I didn’t know until you just told me. It’s just the way you are, around him, I guess.”

“But I’ve always been like that around Tobio!” Hinata says, whisper-shouting in a way that sounds almost exactly like Inuoka.

Kenma gives him a knowing look and Hinata groans out loud, drops his head back so it thunks against the wood of the bench. “My feelings for him are so gross Kenma, you don’t even know.”

“I do, unfortunately,” Kenma says, and purses his lips. He hadn’t meant to say it. Hinata’s eyes sparkle and he sits up straight again, crossing his legs and curling his fingers around his own toes. His kouhai really is adorable.

“Who? _Who is it?!_ ” he demands to know. Kenma covers his mouth with his hand and thankfully Hinata doesn’t lick his palm, like Kuroo would have.

“You sound like that Captain from Fukurodani last year, do you remember?” Kenma’s not really trying to change the topic but it’s easier than – Hinata gives him a look which speaks volumes even when his mouth is shut.

Kenma shakes his head. “He doesn’t want me.” Hinata bristles and glares. Kenma moves his hand away because he knows Hinata isn’t glaring at him.

“Who the heck wouldn’t want you? You’re great!” he exclaims.

“Oh no,” comes a dry voice from behind them. “My boyfriend is praising another man. My heart is broken. Whatever shall I do?” Kageyama’s voice is as flat as ever, but his eyes are sparkling. Kenma is abruptly, _shockingly_ jealous. Hinata rolls his eyes but accepts a box of milk from Kageyama and passes it to Kenma. It’s still cold from the vending machine.

“Sometimes I think he’s got a real problem,” Hinata says conversationally. “He just bought milk twenty minutes ago, and here it is again. Couldn’t he have brought sprite or something?”

“It’s good for you, _boke!”_ Kageyama smacks the back of his head but it’s soft and more of a caress than anything else. Kenma thinks he’s shaking, but it’s not really cold. Hinata, of course, notices first.

“ _Eh_ , Kenma, what’s wrong, are you okay?” He pulls Kenma’s hands into his own and clucks over how cold they are, rubs Kenma’s fingers between his own. It feels like a gesture he’s learned, and Kenma wonders whether he picked it up from his mother or from Kageyama. Kageyama shrugs off his own jacket and drapes it over Kenma’s shoulders. It should have been embarrassing but there’s not even a flicker of doubt in Hinata’s eyes. He doesn’t think Hinata has it in him to be jealous. That, or he’s just insanely confident in his relationship with Kageyama. Either way, Kenma is almost sick with envy.

“I’ve never even been kissed,” Kenma whispers, and both of them still from their worried fluttering. “I’ve never been kissed and Kuroo says that he doesn’t want to be with anyone who’s a virgin.”

Hinata snarls, with honest-to-god bared teeth, and he opens his mouth to bite something out when Kageyama covers his head with a towel and it’s startling enough to shut him up. “Shouyou, go and get some tea in a flask. They’re still serving dinner in the mess hall.”

“Tobio, but—”

“Please, Shouyou.”

Hinata pulls the towel off his head and nods, shoulders tight. He darts in to hug Kenma for a brief second and then he’s gone. Kageyama shuffles in a little closer to Kenma so their thighs are pressing against each other. He’s shockingly warm for someone with such a cold face.

“Hinata tells me that you’re not one for formality, so I’m going to treat you as one of his closest friends and not a senpai, okay?” Kenma nods, and only wishes a little bit that Hinata was still there. He knows what to expect from Hinata. Kageyama is an unknown. “I’m more or less like you.” It’s not what Kenma had expected. “I don’t like people. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like talking. The only thing I liked was volleyball, and if I could have played it without a team, I would have.” Kenma sympathises.

“I’m not going to preach to you because we only have a few minutes until Hinata comes back and hides behind a bush to eavesdrop. I spend most of my time with Hinata and that virginity thing is still the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t know Kuroo very well. He’s a good volleyball player and he helped Tsukkishima last year, even when he didn’t have to. He seems like a decent guy, and Daichi-san speaks well of him. But if he cannot accept you for who you are, then it doesn’t matter how good he appears. You’re one of Hinata’s best friends. You’re smart, and I know you’ve been admitted to Tokyo University on early acceptance, and you have an internship with Sega, and I know you’re going to become a world famous game designer. You are worth more than your sexual experiences, you know?” Kageyama ducks his head and flushes, suddenly embarrassed, conviction broken.

“I thought I’d be alone forever, too. Natsu-chan, Hinata’s sister, kept telling me that it was okay to not want anything and to not want anyone, and it was stupid to be with someone just for the sake of it. But I still wanted Hinata, and I thought someone as brilliant as him could never want someone like me, right?” Kenma nods, almost despite himself.

“Has he told you how we finally got our act together?” he asks. Kenma shakes his head. “I sent a message to Natsu-chan, of all people, because she’s small and funny and way smarter than she has any right to be. She reminded me of Shouyou. I was complaining that some girl in class had her eye on Shouyou and that I’d never be able to compete. I was hoping for tips on how to woo her brother – pathetic, right? Accidentally sent it to Hinata instead.” Kenma thinks if it had been him, he’d have died of shame on the spot. Kageyama is flushing even at the memory of it.

“The dumbass turned up outside my window at two in the morning. His bike was in the shop so he’d run all the way up and down the mountain to come find me. My mother drove him right back, but not before he shouted his confession through my window for the entire neighbourhood to hear. Because he’s a dumbass,” Kageyama says a little louder and Kenma knows Hinata is behind him somewhere. He hears an exasperated _tsk_ from behind a nearby bush and it’s so absurd that he can’t help but smile at Kageyama, who’s smiling back at him. His eyes are kind, and Kenma sees what Hinata sees in him.

“I’m so jealous of you two that I can’t even function. I feel like there’s something missing inside me, because I don’t want anyone else. I don’t even want to think about anyone else. And he will never think of me that way. What’s so broken about me that he won’t even – he’ll never – I’m so tired of hearing about these other girls…” Kenma trails off. Hinata puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers, and wishes he hadn’t, wishes he could take back everything, wishes he’d never been born. “Just to try?” the words escape from his mouth before he can stop them and he wants the ground to crack open so he can sink into it and just die, and he prays for the sweet embrace of death.

Hinata glances at Kageyama, and it’s Kageyama who leans in suddenly, so quick that Kenma can’t even startle. Hinata’s hand is still gentle on Kenma’s shoulder and Kageyama’s lips are soft on Kenma’s. He gasps a little, in shock, and Kageyama’s tongue is warm and wet, kitten soft against Kenma’s own, and Kenma’s heart is about to beat right out of his chest in shock. There’s a moment of silence and stillness when Kageyama pulls back, and then Hinata’s hand is on his chin, turning his face upwards. Before Kenma knows what’s happening, Hinata has bent down to kiss him from where he’s standing. It’s an entirely different kiss because Hinata’s lips are cracked and dry, and he’s a lot more enthusiastic than Kageyama, if just as gentle. His fingers are firm on Kenma’s chin and for a second, with his head tilted up to meet Hinata’s, Kenma wonders what it would be like to kiss Kuroo, who was so much taller than him. Whose shoulders were broader and whose back was muscled and strong. Who might even be strong enough to pick Kenma up and…

Hinata pulls away and brushes the tears from Kenma’s cheeks, where they’d spilled without him even noticing. “See?” he says, “you’re not broken, I promise! You’ve even got a second opinion!” he says, and Kageyama nods beside him. He’s not sure when Kageyama curled his fingers into Kenma’s hand, but this is the kindest thing anyone has done for him in a long time. When Hinata pulls him in for a hug, Kenma presses his face into his – Kageyama’s – hoodie and lets himself cry.

The school year ends a month later in a flurry of exams and university applications. Kenma, who’s always been academically inclined, isn’t worried. Kuroo calls once every other week but he mostly moans about his course load and exams and only occasionally about how no one – man or woman – would date him because he’s got epic eye-bags and hasn’t had time to do his hair. Kenma bites his tongue to keep from offering.

The first guests in his dorm room are Hinata and Kageyama. They spend an entire weekend eating his food, playing his games, and cuddling him on his couch, and when they leave Kenma feels like a new person. His second guest is Kuroo, and he even laughs at a joke Kuroo makes and enjoys the dumb-struck look on his face. He thinks he’s either getting over his crush, or he’s learning to live with it, and either way Tokyo is good for him.

He stays far away from the volleyball courts.

He’s still not one for college parties, but it turns out that gaming students have parties which are a lot more fun than the parties Kuroo had forced him to attend when they were at Nekoma. Kenma goes out more often, drinks a beer or two, and gets a reputation for playing the most vicious round of Rainbow Road most people have ever seen. Once Kuroo appears at a party hosted by some high society gaming student, a rare overlap of their social circles.

He brings a girl.

It’s the Rainbow Road girl, who Kuroo has apparently been hanging out with recently. Kenma knows what that means. Kenma flat-out refuses to play against her, feigns tiredness, and goes home early. A classmate, a friend from one of his courses, later tells him that Kuroo and his girlfriend hadn’t stayed long. Kenma cancels his plans to hang out with Kuroo the following week and visits Hinata instead.

In hindsight, he should probably have called ahead. Hinata and Kageyama come to the train station to pick him up and they both look like they haven’t slept much, but don’t shoot him a single resentful glance. Even though they don’t mean for it to happen, Kenma still feels like a third wheel. He apologises for intruding, but they won’t hear it. Kageyama dumps Kenma’s bag in a corner of his bedroom (where Hinata apparently spends half his life) and pulls Kenma into the bed beside him. Hinata curls into his other side, pushes his thigh between Kenma’s legs, and they hold him until they both fall asleep. The bed smells like sweat and washed linen and the room smells like teenage boys. There are ancient glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and Kenma is eighteen years old and alone.

When he wakes up, he doesn’t remember falling asleep. Hinata’s face is pressed into his neck and his hair is tickling Kenma’s nose. It’s soft and fluffy under his chin, and almost ridiculously orange. Kageyama’s hand is flat on his belly, inches above his erection, and Kenma thinks and is still.

“Will it make things weird?” Kageyama whispers, suddenly. Kenma hadn’t even realised he was awake.

“I’m in love with Shouyou, but he loves you too. Not romantically, but you’re one of his best friends. I know you care for him, but not in that way. Will it make you feel better or will it make things weird, if we touched you like that?”

It’s quite possibly the most bizarre situation Kenma has ever been in, because he knows his friends are attractive but he’s never been attracted to them, and still he’d been wondering almost exactly the same thing. He huffs a laugh. “Kageyama-kun, I don’t know how people ever thought you don’t have a heart.”

“It’s not pity, you know,” Kageyama says, ignoring his last sentence despite his answering blush.

“I know. I wouldn’t be here if you pitied me. Either of you.” Hinata kisses his neck in response to Kenma’s acknowledgement that he’s awake.

“For what it’s worth,” he says, sleep dry and croaky, “I don’t think it’ll be too weird. I mean, we’ve talked about this.” Kageyama nods and that’s a little weird, to think that his friends had been so worried about him that they’d discussed him behind his back.

“I think there’s no one else I’d trust more than the two of you. I don’t think I’ll fall in love with you after having sex but I won’t bother you with it if I do. I promise.”

Hinata bites him and Kageyama pinches his side, making him squeak. “Don’t be a dumbass, Kenma. Sex doesn’t make you fall in love. Don’t tell me that’s what that stupid Kuroo said.” Kenma doesn’t tell him.

Hinata snarls but Kageyama kisses him before he can say anything. That seems like a practiced move. “Hinata,” Kageyama explains when he pulls away to draw a breath, “let him think. It doesn’t have to mean anything,” he says, turning to Kenma. “It’s not meaningless, because Hinata loves you and you’re my friend too. We won’t treat you any differently afterwards, and I promise it won’t ruin _our_ relationship, if that’s what you’re worried about. The only thing you should be thinking about is if you want it.”

It’s honestly something Kenma never thought was even possible, let alone for him. He would never have dreamt that anyone could want _him_ of all people – and it wasn’t exactly what he’d been thinking about when he’d planned to get rid of his virginity. He’d expected to pay for it, because he’d somehow built it up in his head that no one would ever want to have sex with a virgin except other virgins. The older he got the fewer there were people whom he could have sex with without being arrested, and the venn diagram of legal-available-virgins which overlapped with people he trusted was very small.

The entire mathematical theory came falling apart when Hinata and Kageyama, two clearly attached non-virgins, whom he _trusted_ , were willing to touch him in that way. And it didn’t even seem to matter that they were devoted to each other, like Kenma was just a small strip of conducting material in the circuit of energy between the two of them, significant in that he existed but otherwise not a hindrance to the electric way Hinata touched Kageyama.

“Will it be like an experiment?” he asks, suppressing the urge to hide his face behind something. “Like something with no consequences on real life?”

“Tobio already thinks that sex and virginity have no consequence on life. He’s not wrong, Kenma.” Hinata’s hands are carding his hair and Kenma really wishes he was a cat, so he could lie there and not have to deal with any of this. “It’s not like you’ll be a different person afterwards. You’ll still be the same, except you’ll have tried something new, like a new flavour of ice-cream or a new type of mochi.”

Kenma nods. “But what if I’ve never tried mochi in my life, and sex is like trying mochi for the first time, and it changes my life and the way I see things. I won’t be the same person anymore, and I won’t be able to forget that I love mochi, but I’ll never get to try mochi again. Then?”

Hinata blinks at the analogy and tilts his head, considering. They both love mochi so perhaps the comparison isn’t fair. Kageyama _tsks_ and pinches Hinata, ignoring his attempted retaliation. “ _Dumbass_. You can try mochi for the first time and you can love it or you can hate it, but you’re still the same dumbass person. Doesn’t matter what you try, maybe you learn something new about the world or about yourself, but you’re still _you_ and nothing can take that away. Life will carry on whether one particular dumbass likes mochi or not.”

Hinata blinks and then grins at Kageyama. “You’re right, Tobio. He’s right,” he says, turning to Kenma.

Kenma thinks and then nods, determination filling his bones. “Hinata-kun, Kageyama-kun, please take care of me?”

And they do.

The next day finds Kenma quiet but sated, aching slightly from exertion, a little sticky from sweat, and only a little bruised from where he fell out of bed. It’s nothing he hasn’t felt before, from playing volleyball. It’s all very normal and Hinata and Kageyama are treating him the way they always treat him. Something inside him settles, because he hadn’t known what to expect but it had been fine, and perhaps he’d built it up to much more than it actually was, but. Well. Now that he’d had sex, it wasn’t an insurmountable barrier, and he’d joined the leagues of non-virgins, and it was a relief. He could breathe for the first time in weeks.

He means to tell Kuroo, he really does. He just never has the chance. Not until they have another practice match the next year, and Hinata and Kageyama go to visit their beloved kouhai and Kenma goes to visit Hinata, Kageyama, and Lev, who’s grown on him like a fungus.

Kuroo claims that he goes to spend time with _him_ , but it’s odd because despite being in the same university, living not fifteen minutes from each other, Kuroo hadn’t been spending much time with him. Kenma just shrugged and didn’t object. Kuroo is free to go where he likes. Kenma is almost used to the squish in his chest when Kuroo choses to go somewhere without him. Almost.

It’s shockingly nostalgic when Fukurodani shows up, along with Bokuto and Akaashi and a bunch of other idiots all revisiting their sordid volleyball pasts. Bokuto spends five minutes _hooting_ (literally) at Kuroo. Kenma misses it a little, because it reminds him of simpler times, when he hadn’t known just how fucked he was over Kuroo.

They end up playing Never Have I Ever, because apparently teenage boys never grew up. Yamaguchi, now with a ponytail and a handful of piercings, produces bottles of sake after their kouhai go to bed. They take over an empty gymnasium and play music very, _very_ quietly, so as to not disturb the sleep of their kouhai who were all going to play the following day. Everyone knew volleyball was the priority. Bets are laid as to whose kouhai will win, and someone (Hinata) almost breaks a window with an over-enthusiastic spike.

Kenma is just about to relax into the nostalgia of his own volleyball past when Akaashi, the traitor, lands a killer line. “Never have I ever had sex,” he says and downs a shot of shockingly-decent sake. There’s a lot of hooting and _oh-ho-ho-ing_ and someone (Kageyama) gets smacked so hard that they drop their shot-glass.

Kenma obediently tosses back a shot and when the last drops of sake have been licked from the shot glass and his head comes back down, the only thing he can see is Kuroo, sitting across him, looking like his entire world has shattered.

The rest of the night is hard. They’re both pretending that they’re fine and not making any eye-contact. There’s a lump in Kenma’s throat and he excuses himself from the game. He thinks if he drinks anymore sake, he’s going to throw up. His vision is blurry but he’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or from tears. He’s so glad for his own antisocial reputation, that no one questions him when he grabs his phone and leaves. Hinata sends him a text message with just a question mark, but doesn’t bother him when Kenma doesn’t reply. They understand each other in at least that.

The party quiets down before Kuroo finds him lying on a park bench. It’s possibly the same park bench on which Hinata and Kageyama had kissed him months and months ago. Kuroo sits beside him in silence for a long time, because it seems neither of them can find the words to speak.

When Kenma eventually turns to look at Kuroo, he’s not crying, but it’s a close thing. He looks devastated. “Who was it?”

“Does it matter?” Kenma asks back, because that’s not the right question. He’s not sure why Kuroo is upset but he doesn’t think he has a right to be. As far as Kenma knows, _he’s_ the one who suffered through months of hopeless pining while Kuroo had a new girlfriend every week. He’s surprised to discover that he’s almost angry, even though _he_ has no right to be. It’s a mess, inside.

Kuroo closes his eyes and his shoulders tense. He looks smaller than his size, and younger. “You didn’t tell me.”

And this, Kenma concedes. “Yeah. I couldn’t figure out how to. I didn’t think you’d care either way.”

At that, a tear rolls down Kuroo’s cheek and Kenma – Kenma is shocked. He doesn’t understand – something is going on here beyond the simple drifting apart of best friends – which is what he assumed had happened. “I didn’t think anything could hurt this much, Kenma. I wish I’d never gone to university.”

“I don’t understand, Kuroo. I’m not sure what’s happening here.”

“What’s happening is that I’m in love with you, and you’ve moved on.” The world comes to a screeching halt and there’s a high whine in Kenma’s ears, drowning out everything else. Kuroo continues, but Kenma isn’t sure he can take anymore. “I knew I should have told you earlier, maybe if I’d confessed I’d have had a chance, but not only have you found someone, you didn’t even tell me about them. I didn’t confess because I thought you’d find it disgusting and I’d lose your friendship. Looks like I lost your friendship anyway, god, Akaashi was right. I’m an idiot.”

Kenma was right. He can’t take anymore. “You told me you wouldn’t date a virgin,” he blurts out. The words hardly make sense in his rush to get them out, but they land hard in the space between himself and Kuroo.

Kuroo stills and then he covers his face with his hands but Kenma can still hear him sob. It’s possibly one of the most heart-breaking sounds he’s ever heard. Kenma wants to touch him but he’s not sure it would be welcome. “Fuck, I was wrong, this hurts more, oh god, Kenma, please tell me you didn’t find someone just because of what I said—”

Kenma doesn’t say anything, but lets a hand come to rest on Kuroo’s knee. Kuroo’s sobs sound like they’re coming from somewhere deep inside, like they’re cracking his ribs on their way out, like they hurt. He’s not loud or anything, Kenma can still hear the crickets chirping in the cool evening, but it’s all background noise. His best friend in the whole world is sitting in front of him and crying like his heart’s been broken.

Kenma is socially awkward, but he’s not inhuman. He gives Kuroo a minute before he climbs quietly into his lap, the way he used to when Kuroo first told him he reminds him of a cat. It’s a bit of a role reversal because for once it’s Kenma clutching Kuroo’s jumper and holding him close, while Kuroo hides his face in his own hands.

Kenma wants to see him, wants to make eye-contact so he can be sure, because there’s a real possibility this is all just a fever dream. Kenma thinks if he wakes up tomorrow to a hangover and news that Kuroo has yet another girlfriend, he’s going to get a lobotomy, because his brain couldn’t possibly be this cruel, and still.

And still, when Kuroo stops crying like broken glass, Kenma keeps patting his back and doesn’t get out of his lap. “It’s okay,” he says, and it’s maybe not the right thing to say because Kuroo’s breath hitches, like he’s about to start crying again. “Kuroo, I was in love with you in my second year in high school, and you’re handsome and social, you could have anyone, why would you want me? When you told me – well. When you told me, it was just another thing which made it impossible for me to be with you. I didn’t think – it didn’t make sense for you to be interested in me, and it just made it worse that I kept checking boxes on your undesirable list. I didn’t tell you because you’ve had so many girlfriends that it was embarrassing, like I was boasting that I’d finally found someone who wanted to kiss me and even then it was only out of friendship and pity.”

Kuroo’s hands come away from his face and clench in the back of Kenma’s sweatshirt, and Kenma lets himself be dragged even closer into the embrace. Kuroo smells like sweat and deodorant and laundry detergent. Kenma lets himself breathe deep and settles. “I’m so sorry, Kenma. I’m so sorry,” Kuroo whispers again and again until it sounds like he’s run out of words. “Who is it that you love, now?” he asks, and it sounds like he’s bracing himself for a punch to the gut.

He may deserve one, but Kenma isn’t going to be the one to land it.

Kenma blinks and pulls back to make eye contact. He pushes Kuroo’s fringe aside so it’s not covering his dark eyes. He strokes Kuroo’s eyebrow with a gentle thumb. “I’m in love with you dumbass,” because Kageyama has rubbed off on him in more ways than one. “I always have been, since before I even figured out what love was.” He doesn’t care how cheesy he sounds, it’s worth it for the way Kuroo’s eyes widen. “I slept with Hinata and Kageyama after I cried to them about you.”

“Both? At the same time?” Kuroo whispers, eyes gone wide in possibly-awe.

Kenma nods. “They’re together, you know? Have been for a while now. I love Hinata, and Kageyama is a good friend, but I’m not in love with them.”

Kuroo strokes long fingers down Kenma’s cheek and Kenma abruptly wishes he’d re-dyed his hair more recently, wishes he’d taken better care of his skin and his face, wishes he hadn’t eaten that last order of greasy take-out. No doubt any one of the girls Kuroo has been with had been prettier, more attractive than his pale-unkempt self. Kuroo’s fingers curl delicately in his hair and then Kuroo kisses his forehead. Kenma goes red almost instantly, face heating up like – like – something very hot. Words evade him. He squeezes his eyes shut before he self-combusts.

“In case it isn’t clear, Kenma, I’m crazy in love with you. I can’t get enough of you. I just thought that you weren’t into people at all, that you were only just tolerating me. I didn’t want to get my messy feelings all over you and make you leave if you didn’t like them. I’ve liked you for a very long time.”

It’s too much for Kenma to react to, so he blurts out the only question in his mind. “What about your girlfriends? What about Rainbow Road girl?”

“She doesn’t mean anything, none of them do. I haven’t had nearly as many as I said, but I was pretending because it made me feel less pathetic and not because I was trying to make you jealous, I swear. Akaashi and Bokuto have probably heard as much about you as H-Hinata and Kageyama have about me.”

Kenma exhales deeply when Kuroo kisses his cheek. Kuroo’s got Kenma’s hands clasped in his own so he can’t duck to hide his reaction to Kuroo’s lips on his skin, can’t keep from painting his feelings in a blush on his cheeks. He squirms and Kuroo’s hands land on his hips, holding him still. Kenma shivers and then moves his hips even closer to Kuroo’s own, wraps his legs around Kuroo’s waist so they’re sticking through the holes in the back of the bench. Kuroo leans back and pulls Kenma so that he’s lying on Kuroo’s chest. It’s dark but Kenma can feel the heat rising through Kuroo’s clothes and knows he’s blushing.

He made Kuroo _blush_. He feels like he might float away, if not for Kuroo’s grip on his hips, if not for his legs wrapped around Kuroo’s waist.

“I just wish I’d been your first,” Kuroo whispers and kisses the tip of Kenma’s nose. Kenma scrunches his face and Kuroo does it again.

“I wanted it too, but, I mean, I still don’t understand why you told me that you wouldn’t date a virgin, I really don’t, but it doesn’t matter. Virginity is a social construct, doesn’t affect real life, and stuff. Hinata’s sister is very smart about these things.”

Kuroo inhales deeply and when he exhales, Kenma can smell sake on his breath. “Are you going to be very jealous about this thing with Hinata and Kageyama?”

“I’m so jealous I can’t even see straight, kitten,” Kuroo admits. “Though I admit it’s my own stupid fault.”

“Does it really matter? Does it change how you feel for me?” Kenma doesn’t think it would, but they’ve been through too much for him to want to take the chance. They’ve come too far for something like this to break them, he hopes.

Kuroo’s reaction is almost comical. “Of course not,” he exclaims, shocked. “Of course not, Kenma, I promise.” Kenma nods and rubs his face where Kuroo’s neck meets his jaw. It’s a little stubbly and very, _very_ sweet, with Kuroo’s pulse rabbit-quick in his throat when Kenma kisses his adam’s apple.

“Do me a favour?” Kenma nods without even asking what it is. He’d do anything for this man. “Call me Tetsurou? Please? Just once?”

Kenma laughs and it’s only a little huff of breath and a quirk of his lips, but Kuroo looks like the whole world has landed in his lap, in a Kenma-shaped bundle. “Any time you want,” he says, “Tetsurou.” Kuroo kisses him square on his mouth.

Kenma’s eyes close and he trusts Kuroo to guide him. He lets Kuroo lick the seam of his mouth, lets his own mouth open so Kuroo can taste him in all his after-dinner glory. It takes all his courage to move his hands from their death grip on Kuroo’s collar to tangle in soft black hair. Kuroo makes a breathy little noise so Kenma sinks his fingers even deeper and tugs a little, and it’s the bravest thing he’s ever done. He’s rewarded by Kuroo’s mouth going slack in a moan, giving him the chance to run his tongue along the line of Kuroo’s teeth, to finally feel that snaggletooth.

He’s slowly running out of air and it’s getting harder to breath, but he can’t bring himself to break away until Kuroo does it for him. Both of them are panting by then, gasping and shaking hot in the cool air. Still he seeks out Kuroo’s mouth, pulls Kuroo’s lower lip between his teeth and sucks.

He liked kissing well enough when he was with Hinata and Kageyama, but this is something else. This is an addiction in the making. He can’t bear a single second when he’s not kissing Kuroo, doesn’t know how he’s going to cope with the inevitable separation and doesn’t quite care. Not when Kuroo’s long fingers are cupped around his face and he looks as wrecked as Kenma feels.

When it becomes too much, so much all at once, Kenma hides his face in Kuroo’s neck and hugs him as tight as he possibly can. Kuroo hugs back and it feels like the safest place in the world. “You’re an idiot,” he whispers.

Kuroo nods. “I know, Kenma. I know.”

Kenma knows he’s still thinking about the virgin thing. “No, you idiot, not because of that. You’re an idiot because you couldn’t see. Who else could I be in love with? You’re my best friend, you know me better than anyone in the world, even better than I know myself. How could you think that I didn’t love you?”

Kuroo huffs and his breath against Kenma’s ear makes him shiver. “I’ve probably been telling myself the same thing you’ve been telling yourself all along. That our friendship is too important to risk. I’m sorry I got weird. I knew you’d feel it too but I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings, or how to react. The only thing I could think of was to not talk to you so much.”

“If you ever do that again, I’ll hunt you down and kick your ass myself,” Kenma says and he’s not joking.

“Or you’ll get your boyfriends to do it for you? I noticed Kageyama and Hinata glaring at me today but I just couldn’t figure out what I’d done to piss them off. Sure they’re not jealous?”

Kenma snorts. “I’m positive. But they’d probably help if you decide to be a dumbass again.”

Kuroo laughs and it’s a little self-deprecating. “Way to outdo me, kitten. A threesome for your first time, I can’t believe it. You must have paws of steel to jump into it like that.”

“I take it back, I hate you,” Kenma dead-pans but nibbles on Kuroo’s ear to soothe the sting of his words.

Kuroo kisses his ear right back and he’s smiling, Kenma can hear it. It makes something go soft inside him, helpless and warm inside his chest. “Love you too, kitten.”

**Author's Note:**

> I tripped and fell headfirst into this fandom. Now I've got 40 WIPs in a desktop folder on my work laptop and I haven't drafted my submissions for a hearing on Monday. Someone, please, send help. 
> 
> Headcanon is that Kenma is asexual but demiromantic. Idk if that puts his actions/thoughts more into context, but there you go. 
> 
> The title for this fic comes from Madonna's "Like a Virgin". In hindsight, some of you may find this amusing. I certainly did (sorry not sorry).
> 
> Happy Diwali.


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